Oct 31, 2008

Election Break: Focus Octopus

Every once in a while, we need to take a break from this election madness and enjoy a good mischievous octopus story. Meet Otto.

Staff believe that the octopus called Otto had been annoyed by the bright light shining into his aquarium and had discovered he could extinguish it by climbing onto the rim of his tank and squirting a jet of water in its direction.

The short-circuit had baffled electricians as well as staff at the Sea Star Aquarium in Coburg, Germany, who decided to take shifts sleeping on the floor to find out what caused the mysterious blackouts.

A spokesman said: "It was a serious matter because it shorted the electricity supply to the whole aquarium that threatened the lives of the other animals when water pumps ceased to work.

"It was on the third night that we found out that the octopus Otto was responsible for the chaos.

"We knew that he was bored as the aquarium is closed for winter, and at two feet, seven inches Otto had discovered he was big enough to swing onto the edge of his tank and shoot out a the 2000 Watt spot light above him with a carefully directed jet of water."

Director Elfriede Kummer who witnessed the act said: "We've put the light a bit higher now so he shouldn't be able to reach it. But Otto is constantly craving for attention and always comes up with new stunts so we have realised we will have to keep more careful eye on him - and also perhaps give him a few more toys to play with.

"Once we saw him juggling the hermit crabs in his tank, another time he threw stones against the glass damaging it. And from time to time he completely re-arranges his tank to make it suit his own taste better - much to the distress of his fellow tank inhabitants."

What a punk.

Female George Bush Rips Open A Box of Moron

The Female George Bush was on a radio station this morning, discussing how shockingly dumb she is, when she let this beauty rip.
"If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations," Palin told host Chris Plante, "then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."
She was immediately downgraded from idiot to moron by the StopAllMonsters election board.

Black People Running Wild

There is some serious shit going on down in Georgia.
"The Republican is outwardly confident, but there’s urgency in his voice as he tours North Georgia, trying to boost turnout in his predominately white base: 'The other folks are voting,' he bluntly tells supporters."
The "other folks." The vast majority of people voting early in Georgia are black.

It's topsy turvy down there!

Countdown To Embarrassment


35 hours.

That's how many hours will pass before John McCain goes on Saturday Night Live and embarrasses himself, like his running mate did.

If you're going to go down, soak yourself in gasoline and jump into a volcano.

Ted Stevens Didn't Have A Trial In His Head


Wow, Ted Stevens, convicted last week on seven counts has a different take on the trial. This is what he said in a debate last night.
"I'm not going to step down. I have not been convicted. I have a case pending against me, and probably the worse case of prosecutorial ... misconduct by the prosecutors that is known," Stevens said. "I think you will find out, I will succeed and I'll be found innocent."
Um.
A federal jury in the District of Columbia on Monday found Stevens guilty of seven counts of failing to report about $250,000 in gifts and renovations to his home in Girdwood, Alaska, between 1999 and 2006, mostly paid for by the senator's friend, Bill Allen, chief executive of the oil-services company Veco Corp.
So....maybe it's time to put grandpa down.

I'd Like To Vote All Over Your Face

Just think about it.

Call me.

Evangilicals Pray At The Heart of Money

Jesus would be very, very proud.

What are these freaks doing? Why, praying to the gold bull on Wall Street.
In January of this year, Cindy Jacobs was in a worship service when the Lord spoke to her, “Cindy, the strongman over America doesn’t live in Washington, DC – the strongman lives in New York City! Call My people to pray for the economy.”

This word so shook Cindy; she knew she had to call the people of God to converge on New York City the week of October 29 for an emergency prayer rally to cry out against economic collapse in the midst of shaking.

The Lord further said, “October 29 was Black Tuesday, the day the stock market crashed, and Satan wants to do it again.”
This should be very successful. Consider the economic crisis over.

Oct 30, 2008

Talking Out Of Your Asshole Festival Begins



They seem so surprised when the media does their job. Bad times for idiots.

California Is Better Than Your Stupid State

I know this is a pretty obvious point, but whatever state you live in is not as good as California.
Barack Obama appears destined for the largest California victory of any presidential candidate since World War II, potentially boosting prospects for Democratic candidates statewide.

In a new state Field Poll, the presidential ticket of Obama and Delaware Sen. Joe Biden leads Republican John McCain and running mate Sarah Palin by 55 percent to 33 percent.

If the margin stands on Nov. 4, Obama will rack up a California landslide more lopsided than that of Democrat Lyndon Johnson in 1964 or Republican Ronald Reagan in 1980 and 1984.

We win. You suck.

Stop The Gay

Senator Kit Bond introduced the Female George Bush today. While doing so, he warned us about "the gay."
“Just this past week, we saw what Barack Obama said about judges,” Bond said. “He said, ‘I’m tired of these judges who want to follow what the Founding Fathers said and the Constitution. I want judges who have a heart, have an empathy for the teenage mom, the minority, the gay, the disabled. We want them to show empathy. We want them to show compassion.’”
Now I'm scared. "The gay" sounds plural. Like a giant wave of gay. Honestly, that's the last thing I need right now.

And thanks for showing compassion, Kit.

Joe Six Pack Has A Few Words For Joe The Plumber

See more Thomas Haden Church videos at Funny or Die

Oct 29, 2008

Obama Pilot A One Off

The Barack Obama show aired tonight on three channels. CBS, NBC and FOX all carried the half hour sitcom. It focused on people who are sad because things suck. It was not funny and a bit preachy, like My Name is Earl. According to inside sources, none of the networks will pick up the show.

CBS executives said, "We don't see where it goes from here, to be honest."

NBC executives said, "We have too many hits with Knight Rider and My Own Worst Enemy and Kath and Kim. The Obama Show just wouldn't fit."

Fox executives said, "We don't do black anymore."

So, there you have it. Maybe he can come back with a dramedy on a cable channel.

Keeping Track

Please don't vote for the communist terrorist. Wait. Don't vote for the Muslim socialist. Wait. Don't vote for the communist socialist. Wait. Don't vote for the communist Muslim. Wait. Don't vote for the socialist terrorist. Hold on, I'll get this.

Don't vote for the black guy.

Okay. Let's go.

America Turns Into A Farcical Romp!


It's time for America to stop everything it is doing and take a look at itself.
Joe the Plumber is being pursued for a major record deal and could come out with a country album as early as Inauguration Day.

"Joe" – aka Samuel Wurzelbacher, a Holland, Ohio, pipe-and-toilet man – just signed with a Nashville public relations and management firm to handle interview requests and media appearances, as well create new career opportunities, including a shift out of the plumbing trade into stage and studio performances.

Fort those of you asking if there is something worse than Toby Keith, you have your answer.
On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks.

The new partnership originated on the set of the “Huckabee” show, where Tippin appeared with his band during the same program.
Aw, they met on "Huckabee." Ain't that retarded?

Holy Shit, She Is A Fucking Moron

It's pretty difficult to comprehend how stupid this woman is.
Palin spoke after touring Xunlight Corp., one of a handful of solar technology startup companies in Toledo, a struggling industrial city in this swing state. The city's leaders are hoping that the solar companies will create jobs to replace some of those lost by downsizing in the auto industry.

But Palin made only a passing reference to solar power in her speech and instead renewed her call for more drilling in U.S. coastal waters. She repeated her signature anthem, "drill, baby, drill," which seemed to fall a bit flat on the audience at the plant even as it's become a popular chant at her rallies.

Please run in 2012. Please, please, please.

Our Future War With Pakistan: Update

Well, this is exciting. Official meetings in which someone says, "Please stop bombing us."
Pakistan's government summoned the U.S. ambassador today to urge an immediate halt to missile strikes on suspected militant hide-outs near the Afghan border.

However, the increasing frequency of the strikes has strained America's seven-year alliance with Pakistan, where rising violence is exacerbating economic problems that threaten the nuclear-armed Islamic republic's stability.

Having called in U.S. Ambassador Anne Patterson today, "a strong protest was lodged on the continued missile attacks by U.S. drones inside Pakistani territory," a Foreign Ministry statement said.

The attacks have led to the loss of "precious lives and property" and "undermine public support for the government's counterterrorism policies," the statement said.

"It was emphasized that such attacks were a violation of Pakistan's sovereignty and should be stopped immediately," it said.
Seriously, stop bombing us. It's not helpful. Seriously. Don't.

Halloween!

Check out some of the fun costumes you can wear!






The McCain/Palin campaign is a daily embarrassment.

Finally, A Republican Gets To What Matters



I want to punch myself in the face.

Idiot Still Talking

The Female George Bush is still at it.
Sarah Palin went beyond her running mate's recent attack on Sen. Barack Obama -- inaccurately claiming that Obama called the lack of "redistributive change" during the civil rights movement a "tragedy" -- and used Obama's 2001 interview to insinuate that he wants to re-write the U.S. Constitution and appoint radical Supreme Court justices and judges who would confiscate the property of American citizens.
Um. The President cannot re-write the Constitution. So...

But besides that fact I learned in middle school, and I never thought I'd say this, go back to Alaska and fuck a moose. Poor moose.

McCain Should Lube His Anus

Mostly because this is going to be a brutal anal thrashing. Obama is pulling ahead in all the states some guy named Bush won.
Barack Obama now leads in four states won by President Bush in 2004 and is essentially tied with John McCain in two other Republican red states, according to new AP-GfK battleground polling...

The polling shows Obama holding solid leads in Ohio (7 percentage points), Nevada (12 points), Colorado (9) and Virginia (7), all red states won by Bush that collectively offer 47 electoral votes....

Aw. Maybe if you appeared older or crankier, Johnny.

It's going to be ugly.

The newest polls in the big three swing states paint a very clear picture: Obama seems to be pulling away in Ohio, and to a lesser extent in Florida, while his big lead in Pennsylvania is holding steady.

So, he'll be losing Ohio, Florida, Pennslyvania, Colorado, Virginia and Nevada. Should be a good night.

Oct 28, 2008

Iraq Part II: The Complete Destruction

Well, aside from launching attacks into Syria from Iraq, which violated our agreement with the Iraqi government, and stopping our payments to the Sunni Awakening on October 31st, we've decided to let the Kirkuk problem finally blow up.

The Shiite-led government of Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki is squeezing out Kurdish units of the Iraqi Army from Mosul, sending the national police and army from Baghdad and trying to forge alliances with Sunni Arab hard-liners in the province, who have deep-seated feuds with the Kurdistan Regional Government led by Massoud Barzani.

....“It’s the perfect storm against the old festering background,” warned Brig. Gen. Raymond A. Thomas III, who oversees Nineveh and Kirkuk Provinces and the Kurdish region. Worry is so high that the American military has already settled on a policy that may set a precedent, as the United States slowly withdraws to allow Iraqis to settle their own problems. If the Kurds and Iraqi government forces fight, the American military will “step aside,” General Thomas said, rather than “have United States servicemen get killed trying to play peacemaker.”

Think of Kirkuk as the Jerusalem of Iraq. Everybody thinks they have a ancestral claim to it and they all want it. Oh, and it's where most of the oil is.

As I have said from day 1 of the Iraq War, this thing will really not get going until Kirkuk blows up. The fuse appears to be lit.

Motherfucking Arizona


Ouch.
A new poll from Arizona State University puts McCain ahead, but also suggests that an Obama win is not at all out of the question.

The numbers: McCain 46%, Obama 44%, within the ±3% margin of error. The previous ASU poll from a month ago put McCain up 45%-38%.

Other recent polling has shown a close race, too. Rasmussen has McCain up 51%-46%, down from a 59%-38% lead a month ago.

Well, at least he doesn't still have head cancer.

Not Good For The Plane Crasher

John "Plane Crash" McCain won't be too pleased to hear early voting news.
There are three states in which early voting has already exceeded its totals from 2004. These are Georgia, where early voting is already at 180 percent of its 2004 total, Louisiana (169 percent), and North Carolina (129 percent).
Uh oh. Black people are voting in massive numbers. MASSIVE. Understand that none of the polls have accounted for this.
The African-American population share is the key determinant of early voting behavior. In states where there are a lot of black voters, early voting is way, way up. In states with fewer African-Americans, the rates of early voting are relatively normal.

This works at the county level too. In Cuyahoga County, Ohio (Cleveland), which about 30 percent black, twice as many people have already voted early as in all of 2004. In Franklin County (Columbus), which is about 18 percent black and also has tons of students, early voting is already about 3x its 2004 total.
It's going to be a blowout.

Hate Sing Along!



Wow, kids are fucking horrible.

GOP.com, Now With Less McCain

Um, you guys seem to have forgotten someone....


John? Johnny? You there?

The Love Fest Continues

The "Fuck it, we already lost" McCain campaign continues to attack the Female George Bush.
***In convo with Playbook, a top McCain adviser one-ups the priceless “diva” description, calling her “a whack job.”
Oh, dear. Time to throw a lob back, Mrs. Idiot.

Oct 27, 2008

More Good Times In GOP Crowd

The Female George Bush was giving a speech today, when someone sort of yelled, "He's a nigger."

Of course, Lady Bush said nothing.



Good Christian people.

Man Interviewed By Twunt

I don't watch Fox News, so I don't know who this angry woman is....



Easy sister. Have a beer, you're going to pop a blood vessel in your head.

How the fuck do these idiots get so upset when they are called on the obvious?

Female George Bush Gets Her Offensive On

This is spectacular.

Palin, Republican John McCain's running mate, also tried to burnish her foreign policy credentials by meeting here with Israel's ambassador to the United States, apologizing for the session's delay.

"We look forward to ... working with your Jewish agency," she told Ambassador Sallai Meridor just before her speech outside Washington.

Yes. Your "Jewish Agency," otherwise known as "Israel." She crammed a whole lot of stupid into one sentence.

Church Lady and Old Man Brawl

This Republican ticket is now officially a disaster. The Palin and McCain campaigns have begun attacking each other in the press.

Palin denounced talks of her wardrobe as "ridiculous" and declared emphatically: "Those clothes, they are not my property."

"Just like the lighting and the staging and everything else that the RNC purchased, I'm not taking them with me," she said at a rally in Tampa, Florida.

Uh huh.
A senior McCain adviser told CNN that those comments "were not the remarks we sent to her plane." Palin did not discuss the wardrobe story at her rally in Kissimmee, Florida, later in the day.
Okay.
A Palin aide, however, told CNN that the governor clearly felt like she had to say something to defend herself, because "that's really not who she is."
You go, girl.
Several McCain advisers suggested that they have become increasingly frustrated with what one aide described as Palin "going rogue."
Uh oh.
A Palin associate, however, said the candidate is simply trying to "bust free" of what she believes was a damaging and mismanaged roll-out.
Sisters doing it for themselves and whatnot.
McCain sources say Palin has gone off-message several times, and they privately wonder whether the incidents were deliberate. They cited an instance in which she labeled robocalls -- recorded messages often used to attack a candidate's opponent -- "irritating" even as the campaign defended their use. Also, they pointed to her telling reporters she disagreed with the campaign's decision to pull out of Michigan.
Shut your mouth.

A second McCain source says she appears to be looking out for herself more than the McCain campaign.

"She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone," this McCain adviser said. "She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else.

"Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom."
Maybe she can get one of those VH-1 diva specials.
"Her lack of fundamental understanding of some key issues was dramatic," said another McCain source with direct knowledge of the process to prepare Palin after she was picked. The source said it was probably the "hardest" to get her "up to speed than any candidate in history."
Oof.

8 days. Man, this is going to be fun.

Oct 26, 2008

Stop All Monsters California Voter Guide

I'm Getting All Local And Shit!

PROP 1A - Shit Yes. We need to get some fast trains up in this bitch. You can quote me on that.

PROP 2 - God Damn YES. The bullshit campaign waged by the douchebags agains this proposition is insulting to brains. Look, all that it will do is allow egg making chickens to be able to turn around. Right now they are in such cramped spaces they can't move and their feet grow into the bars. How about we pretend we aren't completely evil? May cost a couple of bucks, but sometimes not being a dick costs money.

PROP 3 - NO. Sorry, sick kids, not the time for you to get money. I still like you, though.

PROP 4 - FUCK NO. If you vote yes, I will find you and kill you. So, choose wisely. I'd rather girls not kill themselves instead of telling their parents they want an abortion. But I'm crazy that way.

PROP 5 - Hellz YES. Let's get the dopers out of the pokey and put them in the...rehaby. Non-violenters should be in prison with violenters. That's what Jesus used to say.

PROP 6 - SHIT NO. Check out Prop 5, bitch.

PROP 7 - NICE TRY. NO. Prop 7 is bullshit, created by a billionaire from Arizona. It screws all the small solar, wind and geothermal companies in California out of the market. That's lame. And it has a loophole that could be exploited to drive up costs. Now when has an energy company done that?

PROP 8 - OH, SHIT NO. Let's get tons of gay sex up in this motherfucker. Let 'em marry anyone they want. Plus, the Mormons in Utah have donated shitloads of money to pass this heinous bill, so it will be like kicking Mormons in their weird underwear.

PROP 9 - NOPE. Enough with the money going to prisons. Did you know one of the most powerful unions in the state is the Prison Guards union. Yeah, they just want more money going into the system. They suck.

PROP 10 - SUCK IT T-BOONE. NO. - This was written by Oilman and Republican donor T-Boone Pickens for a guy named T-Boone Pickens. It will fatten his pocket and do little to actually solve the problem.

PROP 11 - YOU PICK! What, am I your fucking Daddy? Do some work yourself. I hate Republicans, so I will vote against. It allows Dems to redraw the districts to their favor - but last time they had this chance, they just worked with Republicans to make sure incumbants stayed in power. It hate them all.

PROP 12 - YES! Helps Iraq and Afghanistan vets get houses or some shit. Which one of you assholes is going to vote against vets?

Oct 25, 2008

Best Campaign Commercial Ever

Please Don't Put Things In My Ass


NYC cops really know how to kill a buzz.
A gang of rogue cops clobbered a Brooklyn man they saw smoking a joint, then sodomized him with a walkie-talkie antenna during a broad-daylight attack in a subway station, law-enforcement sources and the victim's lawyer said yesterday.
Well, that will stop anyone from smoking pot. Or going outside.
In the Louima case, the victim was black, the attackers white. In this case, Mineo is white and the officers are black, Hispanic and white.
So, there is a bit of progress.

But law-enforcement sources told a different story to The Post - specifically noting that at least one witness reported seeing Mineo's exposed buttocks as cops held him down. A co-worker at the Jiggaman tattoo parlor on Jay Street in Downtown Brooklyn said Mineo had been released from the hospital, but was in pain and did not appear to be improving.

"He's getting pale," said Keasha Brown, 25. "He's looking sick. Those people are dangerous. It makes me sick."

Ass pale. That's wrong.

Bad Stuff


We is dumb.
Your child is less likely to graduate from high school than you were, and most states are doing little to hold schools accountable, according to a study by a children's advocacy group.

More than half the states have graduation targets that don't make schools get better, the Education Trust says in a report released Thursday in Washington.

One in 4 kids is dropping out of school, a rate that hasn't budged for at least five years. Among minorities, more than 1 in 3 drop out.

"The U.S. is stagnating while other industrialized countries are surpassing us," said Anna Habash, author of the report by Education Trust, which advocates on behalf of minority and poor children. "And that is going to have a dramatic impact on our ability to compete."

The U.S. is the only industrialized country where youths are less likely than their parents to earn a diploma, the report says, citing data compiled by the international Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development.
I couldn't understand what any of that meant, but it sounds bad. Right?

Art

Sometimes it freaks me out.


NOTCOT: Banksy's Village Petstore & Charcoal Grill from Jean Aw on Vimeo.

Iraq Turning Into A Giant Pile Of Iraq

Uh oh.
Iraq's largest Sunni party said Saturday that it has suspended official contacts with American military personnel and civilians after the killing of a man near Fallujah.

The Iraqi Islamic Party accused the raid of having a "hidden political motive" in an indication of rising tensions in Anbar province ahead of provincial elections, due to be held by the end of January.

Hey, that reminds me; we are total fucking idiots.

The U.S. military said U.S.-backed Iraqi soldiers arrested a wanted insurgent leader suspected of training roadside bomb cells in an operation Friday that killed an armed man who opened fire on the troops.

The IIP alleged that a senior member of the party was killed in his bed and five others were arrested during the raid in the Halabsa area on the outskirts of the former insurgent stronghold.

It accused the troops of targeting party members after its success in forging tribal alliances with other political blocs.

"The hidden political motive behind this incident is clear," the party said in a statement posted on its Web site.

The party said it "has decided to suspend all official contacts with the Americans, both military and civilians, until the party receives a reasonable explanation about what happened, along with an official apology."

Oh, and we stop paying the Sunni Awakening to not kill us on October 31st.

This should go well.

Johnny Could Lose A State Named Arizona

When you are this close in your home state - you completely suck. At life.


Myers Research (D) & Grove Insight (D).

Likely voters

McCain (R) 44
Obama (D) 40

Early voters (34% of the sample)

McCain (R) 46
Obama (D) 47

Suck it, plane crasher.

Oct 24, 2008

Tales of Cat Vomit

My wife and I have cats. She wanted a baby, but that wasn't happening, so the cats kept piling up. Now we have a baby on the way and lots of cats. It's a pretty fucked up situation.

Anyway, we have a cat that eats a lot and vomits a lot. At one point the cat was up to 23 sweet pounds, but has since been put on a diet and is cruising at a tasty 16 today. But she still likes to eat.

Fat Cat is on a three times a day feeding schedule. The problem with said schedule is that if we miss feeding time, Fat Cat wolfs the food down like she is dying. Then she throws it up because she ate too fast. It's quite precious to observe.

Tonight we went to see Synecdoche, New York by Charlie Kaufman. It sucked ass. That's beside the point. Fat Cat feeding was behind schedule, which means vomiting ensued. Now, you should know that cat vomit is elusive. It hides in the strangest of places, but I know it's somewhere because Fat Cat is screaming at me like she has not eaten. And I mean screaming, like a jackal (which I assume scream). So, I go on a search and I find it. With my sock, which was on my foot. Yummy cat vomit on my foot.

And then I fed the Fat Bastard again.

That's how awesome my life is.

Synecdoche, New York

Boo.

Barack Obama Has "Great Teeth"

The Republicans should just shut their pie holes. Every time one goes on TV and opens their hate vent, some horrible thing comes out. While I was just watching Hardball moments ago, Duncan Hunter explained that Barack Obama is impressive because, "He has nice teeth."

Oh, Jesus. He then followed up by saying, "He is also a good debater and very eloquent."

Yes, Obama is an "elequent black man with great teeth." By the way, "great teeth" is what they used to say about slaves on the trading block.
Hunter: Listen, McCain’s..all campaigns have many, many dimensions, but in John McCain, going after, for example, Joe Biden, talking about the major crisis Joe Biden says Barack Obama will face, the national security crisis. John McCain came right back at him and said he hasn’t been tested. I think John’s is wrong in that case. I think he has been tested. He was tested on Iraq. Here’s a guy with great teeth, great speaking style, excellent politician, and a superb debater, but when it came to the major issue of his time, can we win or lose in Iraq, he was wrong, John McCain was right.
Amazing racists.

Update. Video. There is a horrible beep at the beginning.

Funny.



Suck it, Yes on 8.

That's my slogan. Also, blow me Mormons.

(And that's the woman from Mad Men. Yowza)

Guy Named Dan In Hollywood Is Totally Wrong

Some guy I know in Hollywood named Dan has been spouting off all summer over Obama's play for Indiana. According to Dan,
He'll NEVER win Indiana! I'm from there! He's wasting his time.
Well, to all the loud Dan's out there:

SurveyUSA. 10/22. Likely voters. MoE 4% (9/28-29 results)

McCain 45 (48)
Obama 49 (45)

Big Ten (PDF). 10/19-20. Likely voters. MoE 4.2 (9/14-17 results)

McCain 42 (47)
Obama 51 (43)

PPP (PDF). 10/18-19. Likely voters. MoE 4.2 (No trend lines)

McCain 46
Obama 48
Indiana is in play. Stick that in one of your movies.

Another Backwards B Thwarts Non Crime

This is a tale of epic failure that will be sung in mead halls for centuries. Yesterday, the right wing broke the terrible story of Ashley Todd, a 20-year-old McCain volunteer who was mugged while at an ATM in a "bad part of Pittsburgh." Poor girl had a knife to her throat. And that was the good part. When the mugger noticed she had a McCain bumper sticker on her car, he became enraged and carved a "B" onto her face. Sounds like one of your classic politically active muggers, right?



Wow. Brutal. And dyslexic. I'm sure the mugger's friends were watching TV later that night and saying, "Damn, yo, why you carve that B backwards and shit?" Notice the mugger's friends use dialogue provided by an out of touch white guy. They do that because the entire story was fictional.

Yes, surprising as it is that a mugger wouldn't carve a backwards "B" into someone's face after scanning her car bumper in the middle of an assault, he didn't.
A Pittsburgh police commander says a volunteer for the McCain campaign who reported being robbed and attacked near a bank ATM in Bloomfield has confessed to making up the story. Police say charges will be filed. More details to follow.
Ashley also wasn't on the ATM video. (Oops) Note to Ashley: Watch more Law and Order. She also said she didn't remember being cut, then later said she had been knocked unconscious. Then she failed a lie detector test.

FAIL.

There's McCain's base.

McCain Advisor Voting For Obama

I'd say this is not good news. Maybe even bad news.

Charles Fried, a professor at Harvard Law School, has long been one of the most important conservative thinkers in the United States. Under President Reagan, he served, with great distinction, as Solicitor General of the United States. Since then, he has been prominently associated with several Republican leaders and candidates, most recently John McCain, for whom he expressed his enthusiastic support in January.

This week, Fried announced that he has voted for Obama-Biden by absentee ballot. In his letter to Trevor Potter, the General Counsel to the McCain-Palin campaign, he asked that his name be removed from the several campaign-related committees on which he serves. In that letter, he said that chief among the reasons for his decision "is the choice of Sarah Palin at a time of deep national crisis."

So, does that mean you don't want to be one of our advisers anymore?

Oct 23, 2008

Traffic Hatin' Bro McCain!

John McCain has a brother. He is, apparently, a complete idiot. That's what we call people who call 911 to complain about traffic.

Operator: 911 state your emergency

Caller: It's not an emergency but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic's coming the other way?

Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic? (pause)

Caller: "(Expletive) you." (caller hangs up)

Oh, I know! Because that's how traffic fucking works. Turns out traffic can move fast in one direction and slow in the other, because they are, basically, different roads. Welcome to the world of motorized coaches, grandpa.

Oh, and he wasn't done. The 911 operator called Joe back to explain traffic complaints are not what 911 is for. Joe didn't answer, so the operator left a message. Joe called back.

Appears to be Joe McCain: Somebody gave me this riot act about the violation of police.

Operator: Did you just call 911 in reference to this?

Appears to be Joe McCain: Yeah.

Operator: 911 is to be used for emergencies only not just because you're sitting in traffic.




Good family, those McCain's.

Someone Finally Calls A Black Hitler A Black Hitler

A brave citizen has finally stood up and called Barack Obama a "black Hitler." Despite the insane irony of the two word description, she's dead on. He will clearly kill all the Jews and invade Poland.

Did I mention she is a Republican county election clerk? Yeah, she runs elections in Indiana.
A Republican county election clerk distributed copies of an apparent chain letter referring to Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama as a "young, black Adolf Hitler" to two employees but later told police she intended it to be a joke.
Ha ha ha! I laughed until a black Hitler came out of my ass!

Dear random place in Indiana, please fire the hilarious black Hitler lady. Sincerely, StopAllMonsters.

Lou Dobbs Turns Into A Giant Anus

Lou Dobbs is an amazing douchebag. He does a show that's all about the "War on the Middle Class." Which is weird, because I haven't seen rich people driving around suburbia, cutting the heads off housewives and shooting people on their lawns. But that is apparently what Lou sees.

Lou also sees brown people everywhere and if Lou knows anything, it's that brown people don't belong here. Now he's mad at the ACLU, because the ACLU protects the Constitution. It's kind of in the name. The ACLU has begun a campaign against a "Constitution-free zone" that has been created "100 miles from all US borders." Apparently the Department of Homeland Security claims the right to search and detain individuals without the "reasonable cause" required by the Fourth Amendment.

Boo! Fuck you, people fighting for our Constitutional rights!
"What is the point of what they're suggesting?" Dobbs asked. "They want the borders wide open. They want amnesty for illegal aliens. And they want the drug war to continue to be decided in favor of the drug traffickers."
Hmmm. No, actually. They didn't come close to any of those positions. Only a cranky old asshole, who found a fear niche on television, would come to those conclusions.
"There is no legal recourse for an American citizen against the ACLU, is there?" Dobbs concluded, laughing. "Isn't that unconstitutional?"
Oh, you silly goose stepping goose. You do have fun, don't you?

Random Dude Letter

Some random dude wrote a letter to the red states on Craigslist. Me likey.
Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States
This gets the StopAllMonsters stamp of approval.

Give To Darcy Burner

She is a Democrat running for the House of Representatives in Washington state. Her name is Burner. Her house burned down a couple of months ago. This is the shirt she was wearing when she escaped the flames.


She's a good egg. The local paper just wrote up a front page smear story about her that was a complete lie. She had just pulled ahead in polls. Now the Republican Party is throwing money to her opponent.

Please give to Darcy today.

Worst Thing Ever

Oh, God. Please no. Stop. Don't.


A fucking spider eating a bird. We are doomed.

The startling images were reportedly taken in Atheron, close to Queensland's tropical north.

Despite their unlikely subject matter, the pictures appear to be real.

Joel Shakespeare, head spider keeper at the Australian Reptile Park, said the spider was a Golden Orb Weaver.

"Normally they prey on large insects… it's unusual to see one eating a bird."

Oh, good. So the spider is evolving.

Mr Shakepeare said he had seen Golden Orb Weaver spiders as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger.

No.

"It wouldn't eat the whole bird," he said.


"It uses its venom to break down the bird for eating and what it leaves is a food parcel," he said.

Great. I feel better now.

Extra Creepy Convo Between Creeps

As I posted earlier, religious lunatic James Dobson sat down and had a special convo with the Female George Bush. At one point, they got around to discussing abortion.

Dobson praised Palin on her opposition to abortion rights and the Alaska Governor responded describing her long-standing anti-abortion stance, ‘I’ve always had near and dear to my heart, the mission of protecting the sanctity of life, and being pro-life, a hardcore pro-lifer.”

"Hardcore pro-lifer?" Um, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're either for it or against it, unless you are running around shoving fetuses back into women, there's nothing hardcore about it.

Dobson reminded Palin that he sent her a letter after her infant son, Trig was born saying the baby’s birth was “a powerful testimony” to the “sanctity of human life.” Trig was born 6 months ago with Down Syndrome.

She told Dobson that Trig’s birth was “an opportunity for me to really be walking the walk, and not just talking the talk” on her opposition to abortion.

Word. You totally walked the walk by not aborting your baby. You are no joke.

Wonder Twins Power, Activate!


This is epic. Two of America's dumbest human beings are getting together and hitting the road.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the staunchly conservative panelist on ABC’s daytime talk show “The View,” will introduce Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin at two rallies this weekend in Florida.

“I am more than honored to be there, so I will be flying there to travel with her and meet some pretty interesting people, I have a feeling,” Hasselbeck said on the program today. “That’s an honor, I’m excited to do it, and I’ll have some stories I’m sure on Monday.”

Well, we're all happy to have you there. I'm not sure how many reality show contestants who became famous for being an idiot Biden is going to have introduce him this weekend, but I'll keep on top of it.

How much do you want to bet those ladies are going to pray together? So nice.

Oct 22, 2008

Well, This Explains A Lot


That's how he feeds. Weird, right? Nobody said old age was going to be pretty.

She's A Complete Moron


Pssst. Hey, dipshit, the donkey is the Democratic Party's animal. You guys use the elephant.

Nicely done.

Please Stop


You college dollars at work.

God's Going To Take Care Of This Shit

The Female George Bush has laid out the campaign's plan for the final push.

In an interview posted online Wednesday, Sarah Palin told Dr. James Dobson of “Focus on the Family” that she is confident God will do “the right thing for America” on Nov. 4.

Um, yeah. He is. Have you not seen the polls?

She also thanked her supporters — including Dobson, who said he and his wife were asking “for God’s intervention” on election day — for their prayers of support.

“It is that intercession that is so needed,” she said. “And so greatly appreciated. And I can feel it too, Dr. Dobson. I can feel the power of prayer, and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation. And I so appreciate it.”

I like to go after one of your prayer warriors with a sword and see how he handles it. I mean, if he is a "warrior," I'm sure he'd put up quite a fight, right? Or maybe I would just cut his moronic head off.

Jesus, how bad would Red Dawn have been if it was about prayer warriors?

Johnny Mixes Up Words



Oh dear. Say that one a lot, do you John?

Oct 21, 2008

Female George Bush Is A Fancy Lady

In order to prove her folksy cred, the Female George Bush went and did some shoppin'.
The Republican National Committee appears to have spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her family since her surprise pick by John McCain in late August.

According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.

The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September.
That is some serious small town shit, right there. I haven't met a small town folksy lady who hasn't spent over $150,000 on clothes in the past few months.

Totally worth it, especially if you like dressing up like Michael Jackson in 1982.


Billie jean is not my lover
Shes just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Hey! Who put that "kid is not my son" lyric in there! That's just wrong!

Grandpa Brain Freeze



Seriously, I'm surprised he didn't fall over and die after that mouth disaster.

More Polls Say She Is Awful

Wow, does America hate the Female George Bush, or what? Two polls come out today showing how much America dislikes the Female George Bush. First the CBS poll, which I wrote about earlier and now an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll:
Now, Palin's qualifications to be president rank as voters' top concern about McCain's candidacy -- ahead of continuing President Bush's policies, enacting economic policies that only benefit the rich and keeping too high of a troop presence in Iraq.
Top concern. Congrats, you moose killing demon. You are the problem. Now go back to Alaska and murder some more polar bears in the name of Jesus.

Let The Theft Begin...

What up, Ohio? You ready to steal this bitch?

The office of Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner on Monday afternoon said that it is limiting the functionality of its web site after its tech department had detected a security breach.

“Due to security concerns experienced by the Secretary of State’s website, full functionality of the website has been suspended to protect the integrity of state records and data. Full functionality will be restored when we are assured that all data has been protected to acceptable levels of security,” said Secretary of State Brunner in a statement issued Monday afternoon.

Hey, no big deal. It's just the Secretary of State's website.

"What we know is our IT department detected a situation with our Web site where there was somehow suspicious activity where someone could have gotten into our site and tried to move things around," a spokesman told The Cleveland Plain Dealer Monday afternoon.

The office's statement noted that "this is not the first instance of direct assault on the operations of the Secretary of State's office."

Nothing to worry about. Please move along.

Nobody Likes Lady Asshole

It seems the Female George Bush is the most unpopular vice presidential candidate of all time.
Mr. Obama’s favorability is the highest for a presidential candidate running for a first term in the last 28 years of Times/CBS polls. Mrs. Palin’s negative rating is the highest for a vice-presidential candidate as measured by The Times and CBS News. Even Dan Quayle, with whom Mrs. Palin is often compared because of her age and inexperience on the national scene, was not viewed as negatively in the 1988 campaign.
Thanks for sucking. It is really, really appreciated. On a positive note, she can go back up to Alaska and save it from witches, or whatever God is worried about.

Oct 20, 2008

McCain Mania Hits Missouri

Holy shit, get some crowd control down there.

Sen. John McCain stopped in Columbia on Monday afternoon.

The Republican presidential nominee from Arizona landed at the Columbia Regional Airport around 12:30 p.m. As McCain disembarked from the plane, a man yelled, "Go get 'em, John."

A crowd of about 15 people assembled outside the airport's fence to see him descend from the plane.
Madness. The man is insanely popular.

Female George Bush Won't Let Us Know Why She Is Horrible

The Female George Bush has decided not to release her health records.
Nothing is known publicly about Ms. Palin’s medical history, aside from the much-discussed circumstances surrounding the birth of her fifth child last April. Ms. Palin has said that her water broke while she was at a conference in Dallas and that she flew to Anchorage, where she gave birth to her son Trig hours after landing.

Last week Maria Comella, a spokeswoman for Ms. Palin, said the governor declined to be interviewed or provide any health records.
I wonder if that has anything to do with a 12 hour flight from Dallas to Wasila after her water broke. You know, the one where she failed to inform the flight crew that she was about to have a baby because they would have told her to get off the plane. The one where she flew at great danger to the baby - who just happened to have Downs Syndrome. Not saying she wanted the baby to die or anything, but that's what most women who have been pregnent say when I tell them the story.

The Female George Bush doesn't want people to know how much of a creep she is.

Totally Not Getting It


This is in Iowa. Dude is sort of missing the whole point.

Oct 19, 2008

Blackwell Makes It To The 50 Most Dead List


Wow. What a loss. Richard Blackwell, the genius who gave us the annual "Worst Dressed List," died today. He apparently died from an intestinal infection. Doctors listed the infection as the 23rd Awesomest Infection of the Year.

Blackwell sought to bring joy to the world and achieve a level of spirituality so few had.
As Blackwell recounted in his autobiography, "From Rags to Bitches," he aimed "to become my most unforgettable creation: king of the caustic quote, arbiter of good taste and bad, the ultimate mix of madness, marketing and media attention."
As Buddha said, "Be sassy!"

We at Stop All Monsters would like to bid a fond adieu to the man who set the lowest bar of personal achievement known to man. His vacuous existence and temporary stain upon humanity will be quickly forgotten, and yet, he will forever be listed as one of the "50 Most Useless" humans of all time. So long, champ.

And our sympathies to the deadly infection, for wasting its power and strength on something that died inside years ago.

Black People Are Blacking Up Blackistan

Powell endorsed Obama today. Because he's BLACK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: We just found out that former Secretary of State General Colin Powell has said he's going to vote for Barack Obama. Big impact?

WILL: Some impact. And I think this adds to my calculation -- this is very hard to measure -- but it seems to me if we had the tools to measure we'd find that Barack Obama gets two votes because he's black for every one he loses because he's black because so much of this country is so eager, a) to feel good about itself by doing this, but more than that to put paid to the whole Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson game of political rhetoric.

Word. It's going to have an impact because...uh...black guys get votes for being black and they lose other votes because they are black and...uh...AL SHARPTON!

Oh, more white guys said stuff.
Rush Limbaugh said Colin Powell's decision to get behind Barack Obama appeared to be very much tied to Obama's status as the first African-American with a chance to become president.

"Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race," Limbaugh
wrote in an email. "OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I'll let you know what I come up with."

Cough. Cough. George Bush. Cough. You fat, four-time divorced drug addict.

White people, take a break. You're really getting embarrassing.

Oct 18, 2008

Holy Shit.

Saturday Night Live just ruined the Female George Bush.

Total humiliation.



The second video is fantastic. What a fucking tool.

Exciting Early Voting Allows For Exciting Early Election Stealing

Let the election stealing begin.

At least three early voters in Jackson County had a hard time voting for candidates they want to win.

Virginia Matheney and Calvin Thomas said touch-screen machines in the county clerk's office in Ripley kept switching their votes from Democratic to Republican candidates.

"When I touched the screen for Barack Obama, the check mark moved from his box to the box indicating a vote for John McCain," said Matheney, who lives in Kenna.

When she reported the problem, she said, the poll worker in charge "responded that everything was all right. It was just that the screen was sensitive and I was touching the screen too hard. She instructed me to use only my fingernail."

Even after she began using her fingernail, Matheney said, the problem persisted.

No worries. Democrats will do something about this in 2017.

America, Voting For The....sigh

This is what America is all about.
So a canvasser goes to a woman's door in Washington, Pennsylvania. Knocks. Woman answers. Knocker asks who she's planning to vote for. She isn't sure, has to ask her husband who she's voting for. Husband is off in another room watching some game. Canvasser hears him yell back, "We're votin' for the n***er!"

Woman turns back to canvasser, and says brightly and matter of factly: "We're voting for the n***er."

I'm sure Obama will be very happy for your support.

All Alive People in Missouri Go To See Obama


Dude is a draw. He needs to up his speaking fee. That's 100,000 people. Those are Frampton and Garfunkel numbers.

Oct 17, 2008

My Favorite New Everybody Fucker


Wow, this guy is awesome. Democrat Representative Tim Mahoney is the guy who took over for page humper Mark Foley. Now Mahoney has been forced to admit he had at least two affairs - and actually gave one of the ladies hush money. It's not helping his campaign.

He was asked today how many affairs he's had over his life. Apparently, it's a very hard question.

"You're asking me over a lifetime? I'm just saying I've been unfaithful and I'm sorry for that," he said.

Man, back off, or ask my dick. How the hell am I supposed to remember that shit? Do you actually remember all of the vag you nailed behind your wife's back?

If I lived in Martin County, Florida, I'd walk into the voting booth and slam my dick down next to Mahoney's name.

Obama Is A Product Of Non-Abortion

It's true. Obama is one lucky motherfucker. According to the National Review Online, Obama probably would have been aborted if the rules were different in 1960.
Nearly 48 years ago, a young woman, not yet 18, became pregnant in her freshman year of college. Living in a time and place in which abortion was generally illegal, she proceeded to marry the father of her child and gave birth to a son. Perhaps she would have done so irrespective of the abortion laws at the time, even if, say, she lived in a legal culture that celebrated abortion as a fundamental right. Very possibly not.
Damn right!
Barack Obama may actually believe, as he stated yesterday, that Roe v. Wade “was rightly decided.” But it may be very lucky for him, as the son born of that woman, that it hadn’t been decided a dozen or so years earlier.
Shut your mouth, non-aborted guy!
That Obama may owe his very life to a pre-Roe legal regime that banned abortion is, to be sure, not necessarily a reason that he should favor that regime. But it ought to lead Obama and others to think more carefully about the valuable role that protective abortion laws play.
Man, that's some deep shit yo. I was actually going to write up something about how awesome the world would be if Bush had been aborted.

Republican Squirm Festival

This is a very enjoyable video. GOP Senate Candidate Bob Schaffer and Democrat Mark Udall had a debate scheduled last night. Before the debate, they were both sent a letter laying out the rules, which they signed and sent back. But Bobby wanted to bring his "notes."



My brain only works when words are on paper in front of me. I CHEAT! DAMN IT!